Oh God, it’s only the 7th of December and already the world has gone Christmas-crazy. I’ve already received four cards, two presents and have sung my first Christmas song (the one about being good or Santa will poo down your chimney – or words to that effect). I now have the annual struggle of conscience. Do I go out and buy rubbish gifts for people who will almost certainly put them in the loft with all their other rubbish gifts – or do I buy a donkey for someone who couldn’t care less it’s Christmas but will be jolly pleased he/she won’t have to carry large faggots (that’s big bunches of wood, not homosexuals) on their backs over rocky terrain, while wearing highly impractical plastic sandals, in order to boil the kettle for a cup of tea? Now’s there a dilemma.