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With so much time on my hands I am noticing the little things in life, like the aroma of soaking socks. A bit of background: I have faulty stitching in my walking boots which means that every time I go for a walk in inclement weather, I end up with a dirty left bunion and an even dirtier right big toe.

Power tools are scary. I live in fear that one day I will be required to put up a shelf and it will end with me losing control and making a big hole or screwing myself to the wall. So, imagine my horror when my internet-purchased Adirondack chairs arrived as FLATPACK.

Tanning irregularities I have the summer syndrome of big brown nose. Why does my nose tan so much quicker than the rest of me? This is a conundrum of several years' standing. In my youth, I burnt my way through lobster to conker evenly (one year on a beach in Mykonos,...

I was introduced to the Queen of Anal Retention a while ago but, unlike ASMR videos (which I find completely hypnotic – especially the ones where they tap their pointy nails on a butternut squash or fiddle with plastic toiletry bags), Ms Kondo’s frankly inappropriate relationship with her clothing leaves me feeling like I want to reach through the screen and rip her arms off, fold them neatly at the elbow and stuff them up her presumably bleached, hairless arse.

Number 1: I've still got it in the headstand department What a performer! I wasn't sure if I could still go up with straight legs. But it appears I can. I am a yoga warrior! However, I am struggling to execute the sideways crow - so too the ordinary crow (my spindly...

Part Five - Hold onto your handbags - we're in Salvador I arrive in Salvador gagging for some culture, maybe even a bit of a booze-up. I'm ready to shake my Samba arse or maybe go legs akimbo with a spot of capoeira. But first, I need a bloody good hose down - I'm...

Sun, daffodils and an off-duty sheepdog At Stansted Airport a couple of weeks ago, a man on the Liz Earle concession in Boot's asks: 'How are we today?'. Me: 'We is fine.' Ignoring the grammatical boomerang, he persists: 'Can I help you? What type of skin do you...