The sap doth rise on the allotment

It’s all go on the allotment and not just in the vegetable department. Boring Brian, the octogenarian Nordic cruise lover who tells me he can dig for 9 hours without stopping has been hanging around my compost bin wanting to chat asparagus, while Emphysema Jeff has invited me to sit on his bench and have a rummage in his biscuit barrel. Meanwhile, in the community shed, there’s been a lot of shouting as Deaf Ron has been in charge of the shop which means simple requests like, ‘have you got any celery in the back?’ can take a while to elicit a response. I have taken to miming which can be a dangerous game when it comes to root vegetables. But my biggest current concern is Alan, two plots down, who may or may not have taken a shine to me. A thin and pasty, long haired individual, Alan, aka Eccentric Nobhead, spends most of his time lying down next to his pond, fiddling with flowers. At one point I thought he might be dead but then realised he was having a nap. Later on, he wandered over with his flask of nettle tea and lay down again, right by my broad beans. I have now discovered that this is a man who keeps his finger and toenail clippings in a jar on his desk, at work. Say no more….Some of the names have been changed.