It’s all go on the allotment and not just in the vegetable department. Boring Brian, the octogenarian Nordic cruise lover who tells me he can dig for 9 hours without stopping has been hanging around my compost bin wanting to chat asparagus, while Emphysema Jeff has invited me to sit on his bench and have a rummage in his biscuit barrel. Meanwhile, in the community shed, there’s been a lot of shouting as Deaf Ron has been in charge of the shop which means simple requests like, ‘have you got any celery in the back?’ can take a while to elicit a response. I have taken to miming which can be a dangerous game when it comes to root vegetables. But my biggest current concern is Alan, two plots down, who may or may not have taken a shine to me. A thin and pasty, long haired individual, Alan, aka Eccentric Nobhead, spends most of his time lying down next to his pond, fiddling with flowers. At one point I thought he might be dead but then realised he was having a nap. Later on, he wandered over with his flask of nettle tea and lay down again, right by my broad beans. I have now discovered that this is a man who keeps his finger and toenail clippings in a jar on his desk, at work. Say no more….Some of the names have been changed.