Films, Finns and Festivals

At my Friday night film premiere, I made the briefest of appearances on the big silver screen. It wasn’t like that on the night of filming; ‘lady with loud laugh at cocktail party’ had chit chatted her way through a very crucial scene. As usual, I was professional right down to my finger tips and had thrown myself into my part, creating quite a personality for Daphne, despite the fact that all I was required to do was drink Ribena in a tweed skirt with my head cocked on one side. I was a swinger from Saltdean with a very fat husband who was having it off with a lollipop lady. Anyway, on the set, I was positioned just inches away from our hero, David Morrissey, who was rammed up against the bookcase with no socks on, looking deranged. Trying hard not to look at Dave’s lovely feet (smooth and cornless) I was bantering with an elderly, limp (in a gay way) gentleman with a strong aroma of fags about him (ciggies not homosexuals). If my memory serves me right, I was telling him the joke about the wide mouthed toad, although this is quite hard to do with a plastic wine glass in one hand. Anyway, this was cut from the final version – all we saw was me sashaying across the room away from limp man, presumably, on my way back to my swinging, super fat husband. In close up, I have to say, I was very surprised to learn that when laughing, my right cheek looks enormous. Later on that night, I went to a Finnish pub where all the bar staff (and some of the punters) were dressed as Girl Guides, and everyone was drinking Fisherman Friend flavoured vodka and nibbling on chunks of reindeer; it was that sort of place. The next day, I went off to the Hop Farm Festival where I discovered Iggy Pop has one leg longer than the other and Lou Reed is a bit surly but has a lovely head of hair. Oh yeah, and leaving the Indie Disco, I saw Tricky Dicky, ex-East Enders bad lad having a conversation with a telegraph pole. What a weekend!