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Why be normal when you can be hysterical?

Of late, I have been learning some fascinating facts. For example, last week I took a trundle down to Virginia Woolf's house in Rodmell where I met a Polish man sitting in the corner of Ginny's crib, by the washstand. He had floppy hair and kept crossing and...

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Where the wild things are….

If I was a boy I would be Bear Grylls but with a slightly smaller nose. He and I share a love for going off-piste although I don't fancy killing a dog, slicing it down the middle with my Swiss Army knife and waggling my hands around in its hot organs to keep my...

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Everyone's a show-off

It's festival time in Brighton which means a whole lot of showing off, and drawing attention to oneself. These are not necessarily the same thing. For example, when I went to see the Gay Men's Chorus in a church the other night, the highlight  wasn't 'I am what I am'...

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Five go twocking in Cocking

For the second leg of the South Downs Way Odyssey our cosy trio was augmented by two new ramblers, Gilbert and George. It was all a bit Enid Blyton, what with the police, the pork pies and the bump in the night, not to mention the lickiness of Finty. But let me start...

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A spot of Turkish Lowlight

Once upon a time in Anatolia, a man had a perky prostate, went for a wee by a bush on a dark, windy night and then did a bit of chatting in a very cramped car. Meanwhile, a  man who looked like Jesus tried to remember where he'd buried the man he'd recently murdered...

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The lost boys (and girl, and dog)

Last weekend we embarked on our South Downs Way odyssey - an epic journey full of emotion, bad map reading and Germolene emergencies. I was a little late owing to a wrong turn in Petworth and the fact that, having been on a speed awareness course last week, I was...

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The finest acting this side of Derkha Derkha

My considerable acting skills have been called upon yet again. Not my usual professional assignment, rubbing shoulders and sharing Ribena with Bafta-nominated lovelies at gay drinks parties. No, this time I've been romping around the woods on a hostile environment...

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Splash it all over

Over the last few days, I have been mostly decorating. My boudoir has been in bad need of a make-over for some time, what with the bumpy walls, flaky radiator and much abused carpet that has, over the years, generously soaked up all sorts of spillages from red wine to...

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Fling open the doors, spring is a-coming

Today, I counted six tits in my back garden - they are obviously winding themselves up for some mass spring avian shagathon because they won't bloody shut up. 'Don't pick him, pick me, I've got what it takes', they seem to say, the little darlings. Meanwhile, at the...

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Let’s get to the point

I’ll help you find your voice and tell your stories.